Friday, March 04, 2005

DRBB2: It's Justice: LIVE

DRBB Promo 3
DRBB2: The bloody hand of Justice

Justice: LIVE as it’s been dubbed, the second promotional poster for hit reality game show, Death Row Big Bother, is today appearing in newspapers, magazines and advertisement billboards across the country for the first time.

It appears that the producers of Death Row Big Brother are pushing the message that this series is more about justice, rather than pure entertainment.

It is likely the emphasis on justice is in light of the hostage taking during the first series finale last week by Ethical TV Now! which as a result saw the deaths of 8 civilians and 8 ETVN extremists.

ETVN accused DRBB and producers Abortion Tickles of reducing execution to yet another form of light entertainment; this poster campaign would appear to be a push by the makers of the show to distance them from that highly debatable point of view.

However, as is now de rigueur with any news regarding DRBB, controversy exploded within hours of the image being released.

Christian groups are claiming that the Justice: LIVE, poster depicts the bloody hand of Christ, as it’s central image

“It’s clearly his (Jesus’) hand, the hole in the middle of the palm represents the hole made by the nail during the crucifixion”, claims Ronald Funsucker of the Christian TV Defence League, “It’s clear that the programme makers are suggesting the son of God was some sort of criminal”.

In an unusual move, DRBB creator Mark Canttrell issued a statement just hours ago in reply to critics of the poster,

“To suggest that this poster is in away referencing Jesus is frankly ludicrous. This suggestion is made by the kind of people, who when they look closely enough, see the face of Christ in their own turds. I am a practicing Christian, and I take no offence in this image. In fact it’s a ray of hope that justice will be served, live, from next Friday at 8pm.”

In just over a week’s time we will get to see our first glimpse of the new contestants for Death Row Big Brother. In the meantime, the first broadcast of the BBC’s rival extreme format show, Celebrity Euthanasia Challenge airs at 8pm tomorrow evening.

For more stories regarding Celebrity Euthanasia Challenge click: HERE

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

DRBB2: First promotional image released

DRBB Promo 1
DRBB2: A stark image suggests harder edge for DRBB2

Production company Abortion Tickles released the 1st official Death Row Big Brother 2 promotional artwork today.

The image is that of Darren Webb, who as the poster claims was murdered outside a Chinese takeaway in the small rural town of Bromyard. Herefordshire, in June of last year.

Webb was 31 at the time of the incident and a married father of two.

Interestingly, Webb's murderer was never caught, which prompts the question is DRBB2 suggesting a legal coup in having found his killer and placed him in the house? This will of course be despite the fact that he or she would not have faced a legal process to establish guilt, beyond a resonable doubt. On the other hand, the implication could be that DRBB2 attempts to reduce violent crime by so graphically depicting the results of such actions.

No one from Abortion Tickles, Channel 4 or Webb’s family was available for comment.

Whatever the interpretation of the campaign one thing is certain, DRBB2 already appears to be as controversial, if not more than the first series of the show which ultimately saw the deaths of 30 people live on air over the course of it’s ten week run

Sunday, February 27, 2005

DRBB: Jones wins in finale which leaves 16 dead.

Jones wins
Jones this morning, posing for photographers with boyfriend, Dane (rear).

It was the finale the country and ultimately the world was waiting for. At 3.00am this morning Glen Jones became the first winner of Channel 4's hugely popular and controversial Death Row Big Brother.

Channel 4's show has became the most-talked about television programmes ever, as a group of convicts currently awaiting execution from around Prisons in the UK were sealed off from the outside world in a high security house without television, radio, internet and much in the way of food.

What they did have was a battery of cameras following their every move, with ‘contestant’ facing public vote each week to decide which of them would be executed next.

Sticking closely to the format of the nine previous weeks, the finale was due to air at 10.00pm following the 9.00pm show, which saw Glenn Jones secure a 53% share of the vote, and his freedom.

In line with the rules of the show, Jones had one hour to 'dispose' of runner up Donald Masterson in a manner of his choosing. The majority of pundits, making predictions throughout the week, suggested Jones would garrote Masterson with a piece of clothing worn by Masterson.

Odds on favourite were red socks worn by Masterson during the now ‘infamous’ Mathew Wheatly incident.

However, events quickly unfolded that neither the legion of TV pundits, or the production company behind DRBB, Abortion Tickles could possibly have predicted.

At precisely 9.21pm, several groups of masked armed gunmen staged a coordinated attack; simultaneously taking control of the Studio 1B from which the DRBB show is presented and the DRBB house itself.

Within moments of both locations falling into the hands of the gunmen, a representative from the team in control of Studio 1B took presenter Davina FuCall’s microphone, removed his balaclava and preceded to make a statement direct to camera.

The man claimed to be Raymond Raymond, leader of the militant arm of the pressure group Ethical TV Now!

At 9.30pm Raymond stated that the militia group had only one demand, and that was for Channel 4 and the DRBB production to immediately stop broadcasting.

Before switching off the microphone, Raymond confirmed that they would give Channel 4 and Abortion Tickles five minutes to comply with their demand.

“If the demand has not been met”, Raymond said, “Then the first of our hostages will die”.

Ethical TV Now is a pressure group, which has been campaigning tirelessly for an end to what their spokesperson Barney Gedge has described as,

"A systematic deconstruction of public service broadcasting to be replaced by government sanctioned slaughter hours"

ETVN's campaign literature is stark and to the point

ETVN, claim that the current spate of the extreme programme format, which they say started in 1999 with the BBC's first series of 'Castrato Academy', is currently a bigger threat to the future of this country than the escalating violence in the UK’s Australasian colonies.

Castrato Academy aired as part of the BBC’s 'Culture Aid' season, and dealt with the efforts of British Opera Houses to repopulate the declining numbers of these unique singers.

15 pre-pubescent boys were castrated live on air and then trained to become future stars of the Opera circuit. Castro's have been officially listed as an endangered species since 1991.

Although ETVN have never been involved previously in direct action, Gedge did signal the changing attitudes of the organisation as recently as last week Tuesday.

Following the announcement that the former deputy producer of DRBB, Morton Jaeger, had been found dead in his north London flat, Gedge was asked by BBC 2 ‘s New News team to comment on behalf of ETVN. During the interview Gedge stated,

"There are factions within ETVN who will welcome this news (Jaegers death). And believe this is the route the organisation needs to go down to get things done"

When pressed to explain what he meant by, 'get things done', Gedge became reluctant to comment further. He did however add this now ominous warning,

"ETVN is preparing to display a significant show of strength on Friday, and whatever happens, the blood is on Abortion Tickles hands"

Despite being given five minutes to shut down the broadcast from the DRBB studio and house, it was clear that Channel 4 would never submit to the demand. It has been well reported that Channel 4 has a corporate policy, which clearly states that in the event of a hostage situation, or terror attack during a live game show broadcast, there will be no negotiation, under any circumstances.

So it was at 9.35pm that Raymond directed one of his militia team to remove a teenage boy from the family enclosure and had him positioned on ground, directly in front of cameras.

Raymond simply said, "Stop broadcasting", before he shot the boy at point blank range in the back of the head.

The boy was later confirmed that evening to be 14-year-old Clive Masterson, nephew to DRBB contestant, Donald Masterson.

Police today said that Channel 4 and Abortion Tickles decision to continual to broadcast was a 'gross miscalculation'. They went to suggest that the ensuing bloodshed in the DRBB house was as a direct result of the broadcast of the Clive Masterson murder.

Whilst being held at gunpoint in the DRBB, both Masterson and Jones were able to view what was happening in the studio via a live link to the house plasma TV screen. (The TV appeared as part of the finale, just moments before the gunmen burst into the house).

Shocked by the brutal murder of his nephew, Masterson flew into a bloody rage, over powering the nearest militiaman and seizing control of his weapon. He immediately shot four more of his captures before the remaining three laid down their weapons and surrendered to the Masterson and Jones, both of whom were now armed;

Martin Cobain, cultural commentator for BBC talking head series, ‘Oh yeah, I remember that', described the dramatic events in the house,

"It were like summit outta Die 'ard or summit, ‘e got the shoota off the one blerk and then blam blam blam. It were ace"

Upon viewing the live events in the DRBB house Raymond selected a further a family member, this time June Jones, Glenn Jones’s sister and presenter Davina FuCall to be next for execution.

However before their execution could take place armed police stormed the studio.

In the ensuing gun battle several of the gunmen were fatally wounded, including Raymond Raymond.

There were also a number of civilian casualties, who included Natalie Crenshaw (21) Daughter of Alex Crenshaw, Masterson’s final victim prior his arrest in 2003 and presenter Davina FuCall (46).

Both were immediately rushed to hospital, unfortunately Crenshaw died on route and FuCall shortly after going into emergency surgery.

protesters arrested at DRBB
Police removes protesters before DRBB aired at 8.00pm

By 10.10pm the finale of DRBB had already seen a total twelve deaths. Despite this the show was still being broadcast live to the nation.

At 10.30pm the police made an official statement. DCI Andrew Cryer, of the Metropolitan Police told reporters on site at the DRBB studio in London’s dockland,

"The terror organisation known as Ethical TV Now! or ETVN has made a series of attacks on the Death Row Big Brother show, which have resulted in casualties. The situation at the DRBB studio is now contained and trained police negotiators are moving into position at the DRBB house. We will let you know more when we know more ourselves"

DI Cryer went to add that key members of ETVN's political wing had been arrested and were now awaiting interview at several police stations in and around the capital.

As news of the events were broadcast on both TV, radio and internet channels, DRBB's rating share grew to a record breaking 95% by on Friday.

The first broadcast report of the crisis at DRBB on American Television came at 4pm (EST) on the news channel CNN. The CNN ‘exclusive’ coverage soon promoted other channels to follow suit. The allure of terrorist action, a siege, and live coverage, combined with a game show element meant that as America moved in it's early evening programming nothing could compete.

Lavern Armstrong, senior analyst for US ratings giant 'Wuz'on?’ said that the finale of DRBB: UK (as it's known in America) had,

"a more magnetic effect than both the mars landings and the assassination of late President Sly Stallone by the US group ‘Star Trek Renewal’ at a conference on the Australasian crisis held at the UN in June last year.

By midnight the DRBB house became unusually quiet. Tension between the Masterson and Jones was remarkably subdued despite the fact the Jones knew that he had won and all his previous criminal convicts were effectively quashed, unlike Masterson who was now facing the death penalty as soon as the siege came to an end.

Psychologists Marvin McMahon explained during one of the one of the many 'PsyOps' segments broadcast throughout the show, that,

"What we have here is a man (Jones) who has become so detached from the rules of society that naturally he does not believe he will be set free by the show",

McMahon went on to explain "Jones would rather fight his way out with Masterson, who in effect was his true nemesis, rather than risk trusting the TV producers and play within the rules of the show".

McMahon concluded that viewers could reasonably expect the siege to last at least another few hours whilst police attempted to talk the pair into surrendering.

It was an hour rather than hours before police concluded that the negotiations were leading nowhere and decided to storm the house.

As DCI Cryer later explained, "We decided worst case scenario was that both contestants and all three hostages would be killed”, Cryer added, “Seeing as how the hostages were in effect terrorists we figured, so what?"

When pressed further on whether they expected casualties from the police team who were about to raid the house, Cryer replied,

"Absolutely, our boys are trained killers, I can guarantee casualties" Once Cryer the question had been rephrased, Cryer confirmed, "The only casualty we expect to take is the odd sprained finger from all the pulling of triggers."

At 1.15am a team of the police's anti-terrorist unit had entered the house. Within 3 minutes they had regained complete control.

Whilst Masterson and Jones were captured unharmed, the gun battle did see the deaths of all three hostages.

DCI Cryer described the operation as 'textbook'.

hostages lead to safety
Hostages are lead to safety by 'anti-terrorist' unit

DRBB eventually went off the air for a period of 15 minutes between 1.30 -1.45am.

The ‘stand-in’ presenter duo, BJ and Roger from ITV's hit crime investigation series, 'Pike Watch' had explained to viewers exactly what had just occurred in the DRBB house over the past four hours before assuring;

"The execution of Masterson will be taking place as scheduled, and the live feed from the house will be back on just as soon as the boys in blue finish scrapping those wacko extremist freedom haters off the floors and walls"

The execution of Masterson and release of Jones went ahead at 2.30am. Jones eventually walked free from the DRBB house with at 2.58am with Mastersons’ head in his holdall.

The legality of Jones's release has prompted heated debate in the House of Commons today. However, the Prime Minister, Lawrence Thomas stated before a packed house of MPs that Jones would not face additional charges for killing the terrorists as he had acted in self defense, and that his liberty would hold in accordance with the legislation they had passed weeks before the show began to air.

“The deaths on Friday were regrettable”, PM Lawrence said, before adding, “But with a worldwide audience of thirty-four billion people tuning into a British television channel on Saturday morning, well that is something we should all be proud of”.

In fact by the 3.00am release of Jones, DRBB had achieved an audience of just above thirty-five billion people, beating it’s nearest rival, World Cup 2004 by a billion, replacing it in the record books.

Despite all the events in and around the Death Row Big Brother series and finale, production company Abortion Tickles has continuously declined to comment at length.

As for DRBB mastermind Mark Canttrell, when asked this morning by reports camped outside his house, what he though of Fridays historic show he said simply,

"Well, I think it went better than we could have expected"

masterson executed
Masterson: The runner up of the 1st series of DRBB

The new series of Death Row Big Brother is slated to begin airing early next month.

Friday, February 25, 2005

DRBB: BBC announces ‘Death Row’ killer rival.

BBC 'subtle' campaign is a stark contrast to DRBB imagery

It was the news that DRBB ‘mastermind’ Mark Canttrell undoubtedly didn’t want to hear.

BBC Television today unveiled plans for it’s very own extreme reality TV game show. A show Media insiders claim is designed specifically to take on Canttrell’s seemingly unstoppable Death Row Big Brother.

Described by Producer Lance Hewitt, “the show is a cross between the recent documentary ‘Right to kark it’, the international game show phenomena ‘Going for Nazi Gold’ and the heartbreaking video diary series ‘Living at deaths door’, which charted the long suffering illness, and eventual death of 80’s pop sensation Rick Nicely.”

Hewitt went on to add. “It will be the smash ratings grabber of the spring”.

When asked whether this new show could possibly survive a ratings battle with Death Row Big Brother, Hewitt laughed and remarked, “They say it’s a titanic show, well let me tell you, ‘Celebrity Euthanasia Challenge’ will be it’s iceberg”

Hewitt, former Head of Production for Mutilated Child, the controversial makers of last years ‘sleeper hit’ documentary ‘Bashir’s Colon: An inside look’, explained to the amassed crowd of Reporters at BBC HQ in Wood Norton, Vale of Evesham this morning that the ‘TV event of the summer', as Hewitt put it, will feature a range of complimenting game show elements,

“We have both physical and mental challenges. The celebrities will work both as part of a team and work individually, which with require the contestants to literally compete for their own lives” Hewitt went on to explain, “We will also have a Video diary section, which will provide a fascinating insight into the contestants state mind, in an extremely stressful life threatening series of situations”.

Hewitt was challenged by a journalist from The Mirror, the self proclaimed “Home of DRBB news”, that the show sounded almost exactly like dozens of other extreme reality programmes currently airing on TV and radio.

Hewitt responded by asking the journalist the question; “When was the last time you saw a major celebrity having to choose between cutting his own wrists or putting a bullet in his head, whilst being asked to answer questions on Thomas deQuincy, author of Confessions of an Opium Eater?” before the journalist could answer, Hewitt added “against the clock”.

An anonymous source close to the show confirmed that the ‘major celebrity’ that Hewitt had made reference to, was in fact, Jimmy Harris, the ex-workman’s nightclub comedian and former presenter of ITV’s late 70’s darts show “180”.

Harris last appeared on our screens in 1992, when he faced charges of sexual harassment.

The charges were subsequently dropped when it was revealed that Harris had served with the British Army during the Normandy landings.

Last picture of Harris before he vanished in 1993

Harris is currently classified officially, as a missing person.

If Harris does turn up on our screens in this latest BBC ratings grabber, Berkshire Police said they would be very interested to speak with him, and the production behind Celebrity Euthanasia Challenge, Hung Poacher.

Ironically the BBC HQ in Wood Norton, which was chosen for the BBC's announcement was the scene of the brutal murder of Helen Atkins (93) at the Hands of DRBB’s very own semi-finalist, Glen Jones in February 1991.

Abortion Tickles, the producers of DRBB have not made an official statement regarding the today's announcement from the BBC.

The question as to whether TV is big enough for both shows remains open, but it likely to be answered come the first viewer rating results this spring.

Celebrity Euthanasia Challenge is scheduled to start early next month. The finale of Death Row Big Brother is this evening, with a second series already planned for March.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

DRBB: Former head of production found dead at London home

Morton Jaegar, former Deputy Head of Production at Abortion Tickles, the team behind the TV phenomena, ‘Death Row Big Brother’, was found dead yesterday morning in his North London Flat, the Metropolitan Police said.

The body of Jaegar (29) was found at around 7.00am by TV Presenter Tony May (38), Jaegars partner of 4 years.

A police spokeswoman said: "May discovered the body of Jaegar when he returned to their shared flat after completing work on an all-night recording of the television show ‘Nocturnal Emissions”.

amassed reports
DRBB press conference this morning

Formal identification took place later that morning. Mr Jaeger was 29.

Although early reports of the nature of Jaegars death initially suggested the injuries sustained were self inflicted, Police later said that they were currently treating the death as suspicious.

The area surrounding the couples flat has been sealed off while a home office pathologist carries out a post mortem to establish the exact cause of death.

Following yesterdays evenings 6.30pm edition of the popular Channel 4: E4 ‘youth’ soap opera ‘Skanks’, Julie Husk, Mays co-presenter read from a statement May had prepared earlier;

“This is a difficult time for both Morton’s family and for myself, we intended to co-operated fully with police officers in their investigation. However, I would like it to be made clear that Morton was not the sort of person who would kill himself and therefore I strongly believe there is someone out there who knows more about this than they are currently letting on. If you do know anything, I implore to contact either this show, E4 or the Police. If you do contact E4 make sure you check out our fantastic competition to win an special signed copy of the new DRBB DVD: Funniest Rucks”

What web viewers should have seen on DAY 53

It was 3 weeks ago that Jaegar was sacked from the Abortion Tickles amid the controversy surrounding the now notorious Day 53 debacle, in which a 7-year-old boy was brutally murdered in the DRBB house.

Although Jaegar was held personally responsible for not blocking live web cam feeds at the time of the incident, thus allowing the online community to see the horrific final moments of Matthew Wheatley, he had continuously maintained since leaving Abortion Tickles, that he was not responsible for Day 53, and that in fact he had been following a direct order by senior management to leave the web cam feed running.

Jaegar, who had previously worked on the smash, hit Channel 5 show ‘Virginity Lost: LIVE’ spoke as recently as Monday this week about the incident that led to his dismissal in an exclusive interview in renowned ‘hard hitting’ weekly news magazine, Heat.

virginity lost

Five targets youngsters

“They (Abortion Tickles) know much more about Day 53 than they are letting on.” Jaegar said, before adding, “It’s all about the show. ‘Nothing BUT nothing must harm the show’ is the credo that is drilled into you from day one’.

In the most extraordinary extract of the interview, Jaegar claims that he has ‘solid evidence’ that implicates the production company, Abortion Tickles, creator Mark Canttrell and the Home Secretary, Jerry Adams in a wide spread conspiracy, “It’s gonna shake the nation to it core” said Jaeger, “that f**kin’ show (DRBB) is just the tip of the iceberg”.

Abortion Tickles refused to make comment on Jaegars interview with Heat, and have so far remained silent on issue of his death.

Mark Canttrell, on the other hand had this to say during a phone interview early today to DRBB: Victims Revenge, DRBB’s sister show;

“I am saddened by the news of Morton’s death and regret that the last time I spoke with him was of an acrimonious nature.

The finale of DRBB airs this Friday.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

DRBB: Masterson has ear bitten off!

In a shocking development late last night, DRBB finalists, Glenn Jones and Donald Masterson became involved in a deadly altercation, which resulted in Masterson having part of his right ear bitten off by Jones.

Mastersons ear today

The Sun newspaper, the self proclaimed ‘Only source for Death Row news’ proudly boasted on its front page this morning, that it had incited the violent act. The ‘extreme’ newspaper had arranged for dozens of copies of it’s own Wednesday edition to be flown into the DRBB house, using a radio controlled helicopter.

Sun used model 'copter similar to this

Wednesdays Sun headline, was an exposé of Jones’s previously unknown ‘secret’ life as an active transvestite in the late 1980’s. This was prior to Jones’s ‘tranny frustration turned homicidal spree’ as the Sun put it, which resulted in the murder of seven women in and around the Vale of Evesham area between 1991 and 2003.

Ironically, The Sun Newspaper had already dubbed Jones with his now synonymous nickname ‘Glenda J’ prior to its most recent revelations.

It appears early yesterday evening Masterson began to taunt Jones once he learnt of Jones’s transvestite past, which he had read in the strategically dropped Suns. After a brief exchange of words, Jones launched into a violent frenzy, which resulted in the loss Masterson’s right ear lobe.

Rare picture taken in 1986 of Jones as 'Hilda'

Within moments of this dramatic development The Sun’s online news service declared it a major coup with the headline; ‘Glenda J gives Masterson ‘ear ache, with a little help form your current bun.' They had also quickly come up with a new nickname for Masterson, christening him ‘Lugs’.

This is not the first time this series that a national newspaper has attempted to influence the action in the DRBB house. During week 8, The Daily Mail arranged for work experience reporter Malik Walters (17), to climb into the house via a security ‘blind spot’ to the rear of the DRBB garden.

The funeral for Walters was held at Southwark Memorial Church last Thursday.

Following yesterdays assault, Masterson fled to the DRBB diary room and begged the production team for medical assistance. Keen eyed viewers noted that despite Masterson’s injury, he was cautious not to sit in the DRBB chair, presumably as a result of Mondays astonishing execution of Marcus Holt (22).

The production team at first offered Masterson ‘a waterproof stinking plaster’. It subsequently withdrawing the offer of aid following Masterson’s four-letter outburst at what he saw as, in his own words “an unacceptable level of support for my plight, you fucking bastards!”

Spoon used to cauterise wound

Masterson eventually cauterised the wound by heating a spoon with a lighter and then pressing it to his right ear.

Lighters are technically forbidden in the DRBB house, but luckly for Masterson, one had been smuggled in by former DRBB contestant, John Oliver.

Oliver (47) was the first contestant in the DRBB House to be executed in the style of his own crime. He had his throat slit shortly after the public vote ended in week 3.

Mark Canttrell, mastermind behind Death Row Big Brother made a statement earlier today reassuring fans that yesterdays incident would, “In no way effect the finale this Friday”.

Both Masterson and Jones face the public vote this coming Friday. As has been widely reported, the winner of the public vote will go free, whilst the runner up will be executed.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

DRBB: Channel 4 confirms DRBB 2

drbb 6 eye
New logo revealed for DRBB2

Following intense negotiations between Channel 4 and Mark Canttrell, creator of Death Row Big Brother, Channel 4 announced today, that a deal had been struck and the second series of the hit, extreme reality TV game show, would be going ahead just weeks after the dramatic finale of the current series, which is scheduled to air this Friday.

When asked if the new series of DRBB would be ‘toned down’, in light of almost ‘World Wide’ condemnation of the show, Peter Dubois, Head of Channel 4 Programming said;

“No fucking way! If anything, expect more violence, more debauchery, more death and more must see TV than you can possibly imagine. It’s gonna make your fuckin’ TV haemorrhage ”,

The DRBB production company ‘Abortion Tickles’, official website, reported the news in a somewhat, more sedate manner. A single line statement read;

“In four weeks time another ten contestants will be selected from Prisons around the country to face the challenge of their lifetime”.

Almost immediately following Channel 4’s announcement of DRBB2, speculation grew throughout the media that the new series would feature such outlandish events as, ‘instant death’, weekly challenges, ‘firing squad’, executions, comprised of the relatives of contestants victims. And most controversially of all, the inclusion of at least one multiple convicted Paedophile.

The Sun newspaper, who claim the ‘Paedophile’ story as a world exclusive, go on to inform its readership that this will be;

“…despite the fact that the chosen sicko kiddie fiddler, is not currently facing the death penalty”, they continue, “that is of course, until they enter the DRBB house”.

The Sun suggested on it’s front-page late edition, that it will personally lobby Canttrell and his production team for a future series of DRBB to featuring only Paedophiles.

The Suns Editor James Watts remarked in his editorial that the Suns backing of such a TV programme is simple;

“We need to wipe this scum from our glorious nation and from existence. If we can get some good telly out of it whilst we do it, where’s the harm?”.

At this time any additions to the DRBB format remain unsubstantiated.

Despite all such wild conjecture, Mark Canttrell and his production team are remaining notoriously tight lipped on the subject, suggesting if you want to know what to expect from DRBB2 make sure you tune into this Fridays finale.

As Canttell himself put it, with characteristic understatement;

“It’s going to be worth watching”.



He was the bookies favourite, but that didn't stop Marcus Holt (22) from becoming the eighth contestant of Channel 4's smash hit show;

Death Row Big Brother

from being executed live last night, during the shows nail biting semi-final week.

Holts nomination, and subsequent execution helped DRBB break all known viewing records, finally allowing the show to see off its closest TV rivals, the BBC 2 archaeology show presented by former Pop Idol, Jennifer Khan (16);

Princess Diana, England's Rose: Exhumed.

And the previous ratings record holder, the Christmas 2004 edition of;


subtitled as a one-off for this festive show;

Eastenders: Apocalypse,

in which, controversially, the entire cast (save for chippie owner Ian Beale as played by veteran Eastenders actor Kate Thornton), are brutally killed in an Al Queda 'style' terror attack.

The thrilling climax to the show featured each cast member being summarily executed through beheading.

The episode aired as a Christmas lunchtime special, both proceeding and following the Queens address to the nation.

In fact, Thursday evenings gripping conclusion to ITV's very own reality gameshow;

Celebrity Jungle Hunt,

could only manage to pull in half the viewers that yesterdays DRBB execution achieved.

The finale to the ITV show, gave us both the triumphant victory of ex-golfer Duncan McGregor (44), as he successfully tracked, caught and killed, children's TV game show host, Will Mould (12) in a spike trap of his own making, and the tragic death of the shows co-presenter, Pokey (real name Martin Jenkins), during a live link to camera.

Jenkins (27) was segueing into a commercial break when he was fatally bitten on the right big toe by a female funnel-web spider, a deadly arachnid, native to the Australian outback where the show is filmed.

His on screen/off screen partner Baby Pete (15), (real name Lil' Jimmy Peters) said it'd been a terrible blow, but he would continue to present the bulk of ITV's output regardless;

"It's what Pokey would have wanted", Baby Pete told the amassed reporters, before breaking down in tears during the season finale press conference, held in the Hyatt Hotel, Sydney.

It was Death Row Big Brother however, that again set new standards for extreme reality TV, when the 'music teacher bludgeoner' from Shoreham on Sea, Marcus Holt, was executed live on yesterday evenings remarkable show.

'Abortion Tickles', the production company behind DRBB, even managed to throw in an additional surprise to proceedings when they used the diary room chair as the executioner's tool.

Interviewed directly after the show via an Internet web chat, the brains behind DRBB, Mark Canttrell, generously gave credit for this unique twist to widow and mother of two, Margaret Locke (47) from Kingston upon Thames, Surrey.

It was Margaret's suggestion, phoned in to the weekly competition run by DRBB's sister show;

DRBB: Victims Revenge,

that was chosen and subsequently used to such a dramatic effect yesterday evening.


"We were particularly impressed that Margaret's idea incorporated such an iconic symbol of the show", Canttrell explained, "and that this tied so neatly into the termination of Holt", Canttrell went on to say, "we believe that Holt would have approved, we knew he was a huge fan of the previous big brother formats".”

As is well documented, Marcus Holt had the lowest IQ in the DRBB house, Fifty-two.

There have been some widely reported debates in the media today regarding the execution, with particular focus on the question of whether it was right or not that Marcus Holt never actually knew what hit him.

It is certainly the case that in all previous executions, the contestant were informed well in advance of their impending fate.

This allows for the, 'soon-to-be-snuffed' as the The Mirror puts it in their daily DRBB column, to show repentance to God, to apologise to victims families, and more importantly for the ratings, to give the viewers an opportunity to see the contestants abject horror of facing their imminent, and typically very painful demise.

"It was a calculated risk, for sure...", Canttrell reflected honestly, during the informal web-chat.

The execution itself was a beautifully stage-managed piece of theatre. Prompting Helen Markwell, the New York Times DRBB overseas correspondent to gushingly declare;

"Even the legendary filmmaker, Alfred Hitchcock, would have been proud to have come up with this distinctive twist."

Interestingly, DRBB had already staged an homage to thriller film maker, Hitchcock, when Lee Arthur Pendrick (29), the fourth contestant to be executed, was terminated during week 5 with a ferocious knife attack in the shower room.


The DRBB viewers were informed at the very start of yesterday evenings show by presenter and former 'crack-whore' Donna MacLaine, that the dairy room chair had been wired up to deliver an electrifying 10,000 volts.

The contestants on the other hand, were oblivious to this, and at 8pm they started their daily routine of entering the diary room, one by one to be asked if they would like to confess to any further crimes they had yet to own up to.

Through a breathtaking piece of miss direction the viewing public were lead to believe that it would Masterson, not Holt, that would receive the killing blow.

However, it was during Holt's emotional confession to a further crime, which he claimed he had committed in his early teens during a stay in a Brighton hostel, that the switch was thrown and Holt literally fried to death before our eyes.

Unfortunately, Holt was in the process of explaining who the alleged murder victim was when he received the deadly charge.

Sussex police are now looking into the partially received information provided by Holt.

As critic for the Guardian, Jeremy Hunter, put it in his review of the show late last night;

"Never, have so many people jumped at precisely the same moment in the history of the world".

Naturally, several cases of heart failure, potentially caused by the shock execution have been reported around the country.

The shows production company again point to the disclaimer that precedes each show, thus giving them, they declare, an exemption from any harm caused through exposure to DRBB.

"As we get closer to the finale we really do need to crank the amps up to 11", Canttrell said online last night, referencing the 'mockumentary' motion picture, 'Spinal Tap', wherein 11 represents 1 better than 10.

And Canttrell is not wrong.

As we move into the final week of Death Row Big Brother and the final two contestants, Donald Masterson and Glenn Jones duke it out for sympathy in the public affections, Cantrell and his production team know that they will really have to create something quite unique to top the action we have seen so far from this remarkable series.

We look forward to Fridays DRBB finale with baited breath.

DRBB: Because you deserve it.

bb 3 eye

Previous DRBB articles;

DRBB: A reality game show for an insane world

DRBB: A reality game show for an insane world


It's the show that everyone is taking about.

All the glossy magazines run splash features and inside gossip, contestant profiles and interviews with former lovers, mothers, brothers and victims.

You dare not miss it for fear of being isolated from modern society. It's got a tighter grip on the national psyche than any child abduction/ murder hunt/ celebrity couple split ever has, and the TV executives milk that cow for every last drop of blood stained government sanctioned ultra violence they can get.

Not so much TV de jour as TV de vie.

If you do miss a single episode you may as well run a hot bath, drink the largest bottle of black label vodka your job in media sales will allow for, write a brief but concise note to whoever you wrongly believe might give a damn and then run that razor blade down the vein in your left wrist and then down the vein in your right...

Seriously, the show is just that good.

It's the only topic they discuss on 'Radio Brain Damage' when you're blasted from your dreams of contestant number six by 'Electric Justice' the shows theme as performed by the boy band 'Alien:8'.

If you change channel in the shower to 'Thought for the Day', you can nod reflectively as Reverend Rory Rogers prattles on that this is heaven, hell and eternal damnation all in a single viewing with 'best of' highlights at 9PM tonight.

On the platform every front page screams;

Agony, ecstasy and the last minutes of Anton Kregger!

Anton did well to get into the last six to be perfectly honest, what with the stutter and nervous twitch he was never going to be the teenage girls wet knicker choice, the largest phone vote group demographic there is.

In the queue for the cabs the suits feverishly gesticulate as they imitate Antons demise which we all viewed live the previous night. Laughing like physically deranged hyenas on speed they twist and writhe, perfectly capturing his death throws at the end of the rope. Out of a sense of propriety however, they choose not to follow through with the bowel evacuation.

The cabbie witters on about the time Tom Johns was in the back of his cab and how he apparently left a bloody cleaver behind when he got out. This is apocryphal of course, it's a well know and well documented fact that Tom's favourite item of kitchen ware/ recreational tool was the fillet knife made by Global, not some cheap horror prop picked up by the vest wearing public at M&S.

Even business meetings are interrupted by frantic speculation as to who will eventually be left and what kind of life the winner will ultimately face with their newfound notoriety. All the popular (and well paid) pundits gleefully predict the lucky contestant will last approximately five minutes once they are out again in the real world.

"We'll see...", they say before finally starting their meeting which involves occasionally drawing a crude parallel between an issue at hand and the show. Purely to illustrate a point, of course.

God knows they'd all rather be watching the highlights from the past twenty-four hours than discussing anything that can give you a proven business improvement over twelve to eighteen months.

Life is just too short, especially for the contestants on DRBB.

Naturally the highbrow media and news shows stuffed full of self regarding culture commentators and rejects of the intelligentsia, discuss the morality of this new cutting edge format and smugly blame the decline of our society on Mark Canttrell and his production companies genius/ insanity in get DRBB to air in the first place.

The critics know they are complicit as they blow even more oxygen up this publicity machines arsehole, but the thing is, they need the ratings and the only game in town is DRBB. If they don't talk about it ratings plummet and if the ratings plummet they'll be pulled faster than a fourteen year olds cock on Day 42.

Not that you'd have forgotten, but Day 42 was the show in which Jennifer Chadwell was released into the house. It quickly became known as the weekly challenge which went grotesquely wrong. Despite the evisceration and associated bloodlust the ratings again soared... so no one really lost out.

Except maybe Jennifer and Jennifers next of kin who were sent her remains in a shoebox.

The thing is this, Jen did sign that release form and she did get her fifteen minutes of fame. Although to be fair, she actually only lasted twelve minutes and seventeen seconds, but then again the time was apparently never stipulated as part of her contractual agreement. And besides which, who was counting when the first arm was severed and the blood gushed forth?

As stated earlier, in terms of a ratings boost it was a major success, eventually leading to the UK being expelled from the United Nations. So for a semi-retard hair stylist from Kent, Jennifer did rather well.

They even had to get the law changed to air it. But change it they did, and we thank them for it.

It's become the defining moment of a generation or so they say. After all, everyone remembers where they were and what they were doing when Canttrell and his production company ''Abortion Tickles', first revealed plans for his new high concept reality TV show;


The concept was beautiful. Take ten convicted murderers currently languishing on Death Row in prisons across the UK and put them together in a single house with no guards, no supervision, little or no food, no access to the outside world and then lock the door.

Canttrell predicted that over the ten week period in which the show would air, every TV, radio, mobile phone and PC would be tuned in and watching as events in the house of hell unfolded before our eager eyes. Canttrell was far from being wrong.

The rules of the game were simple;

Ten men go in, only one man comes out.

Each week there is a public vote following the House Convicts (CV) nominations. The nominated CV is then executed live on national TV or grainy live link via the internet.

The CVs method of execution forms part of one of the many competitions run each week by DRBB's sister show;

DRBB: Victim's Revenge.

Last week we had William Batchelor being crucified live in the DRBB garden. This was the winning suggestion from Anna Batchelor aged 9 (no relation) from Whitely Bay, Tyne and Wear.

The finale is set to be an extra special Televisual treat. Simply put, the convict that gains the most public votes has his conviction quashed and immediately go free with the added prize of being given carte blanche to kill the runner up in a style of his own choosing.

In the recent Channel 4 documentary;

Mark Canttrell: Execution of Entertainment.

Canttrell states that it was the murder-suicide of Helen Smith and Lee Critchlow during week 6 of Big Brother 17, that opened the floodgates for a whole new wave of ultra violent and ultra slick extreme reality TV Shows, which currently include alongside DRBB;

Celebrity Wife Rape,

Concentration Camp Revisited

and the BBC's very own;

Fight Academy.

During the documentary, Canttrell is asked by Elizabeth Hanson the thirteen year old presenter of ITV's flagship nightly news programme 'Hanson News';

"How can you justify exposing the public to such crass, pornographic, debasing and morally bankrupt progamming?"

Canttrell immediately replies;

"People watch it , that's all the justification I need."

Canttrells original goal to have a continuous live feed via all available media channels for the entirity of the seventy day run has so far only been interrupted briefly during day 53, when horrifically a seven year old boy managed to get into the house.

Within moments of the child's presence in the contestants sleeping quarters being discovered, the house was stormed by the production companies own private security team;

Who Dares Bleeds.

Tragically they were unable to prevent Donald Masterson claiming his fourteenth victim with the feed being cut just seconds before Masterson made his cut.

The next morning Canttrell vigorously denied that the frenzied murder of Matthew Wheatly was a publicity stunt to gain further ratings. He argued that no one was currently watching anything else but DRBB so what benefit could be had from the staging such a diabolical yet admittedly memorable stunt?

Later that same day Canttrells deputy head of production Morton Jaegar was fired when it was revealed that Jaegar had 'forgotten' to block the web cam feed during the Day 53 incident.

Copies of the bootleg DVD;

Day 53: Masterson uncut!

have now been the biggest selling item on eBay for the past 3 weeks.

Donald Masterson himself is still in the running to be the lucky released winner when the finale finally airs a week this Friday.

Masterson faces stiff competition from the Evesham Slasher - Glenn Jones (known affectionately in the press as Glenda J, due to Jones's predilection for dressing up in his victims clothes) and Marcus Holt, the music teacher bludgeoner from Shoreham on Sea. Holt is both the youngster member of the DRBB household and the contestant with the lowest IQ. 22 and 52 respectively.

As this first season of DRBB draws to a dramatic close we are forced to ask ourselves this question;

"How will we be able to fill the gaping void in our lives when the final contestant is released and the runner up is brutally murdered?"

Is there life after DRBB? get to decide for Marcus, Glenda J or Donald if there will in fact be life for one of them after DRBB.

So get voting now, b
ut remember...

DRBB: It's just a question of time.